People spend a lot of time thinking about the future. We think about everything from what we’re going to have for dinner to what our career path will be. Sometimes those thoughts are very specific. We imagine how we will feel, how we will act, and what our lives will be like if that future becomes a reality. One part of the future that few people think about is the death of someone they love. We never stop and think about what our life will be like when someone close to you is no longer around.
It has been four months since my father died. Although he had some health problems in the past, his death was sudden and unexpected, and it hit me very hard. We planned the memorial service and I wrote the eulogy. I’ve helped my step-mother clean out the house and remove most of the father’s possessions. I’ve got boxes of items that were sacred to my dad that I am compelled to keep but I’m still not sure what to do with them. I’ve reached a point where all that’s left to do is adjust to life without my dad around, and I’m finding this to be the hardest part of losing him. I never thought about what my life would be like without my dad.
On this Father’s Day, the first one since my dad died, I feel the weight of his absence. I miss being able to pick up the phone and call my dad anytime I needed him, knowing that he would be there for me. There are things that I learned after he died that I wish I had known about while he was still alive. I cherish the moments that we had together, and desperately wish that we could have had more of them.
Last Tuesday, we were able to grant my father his wish of having his ashes scattered at sea. On an overcast afternoon, on very rough seas, his physical remains were returned to the place that he loved the most. Although my feet are back on terra firma, I still feel those rough seas tossing me around. Fortunately, my father was a great captain. The lessons he taught me, both before and after his death, are the compass that will help me find my way.
Second star to the right…
