I have a wonderful daughter. She is thoughtful, intelligent, loving, sarcastic, and all around good person. As is customary, she called me today to wish me a happy fathers day. She even waited until later in the morning knowing that her old man likes to sleep in. I couldn’t be prouder to have her as my daughter and it gives me great joy that we have such a wonderful relationship. This is the part of fathers day that I really love. It’s a day that I know I will hear from her and it’s a day that I reflect on how our relationship has evolved over the years as she has grown from a shy little girl to an outspoken, independent college graduate.
But there is another part of fathers day that brings me sadness. The part where my father and I have not spoken for over 3 years. I walked away from the relationship with my father after years of frustrations of being the only one who took the effort to maintain the relationship. You simply cannot have a healthy relationship with someone where one person is the only one driving the efforts to maintain it.
I think what really did it for me was that not only was he unwilling to take time to make phone calls or make attempts to visit me (sure I live 600 miles away, but he took a vacation to a place 30 minutes from me and didn’t even make an attempt to let me know and get together) but he also completely failed to attempt to maintain a relationship with my daughter, his granddaughter, who only lives 15 minutes away from him. Do you know how hard it is to explain to a 12 year-old why she hasn’t seen or heard from grandpa for months? Do you know how insulting it is when you do run into him to have him say “I’ve got your [name the occasion] present for you that’s been in my truck for 2 months”. You reach a point where you just say enough.
It doesn’t help that my father remarried to a woman 4 years older than me. He then proceeded to have a daughter with her. So I have a half-sister that’s 24 years younger than me. It’s a little weird that my daughter’s aunt is 4 years younger than her. I also harbor resentment that I’ve been working on for years to rid myself of. My half-sister was given a vehicle when she turned old enough to drive. I couldn’t get my dad to loan me one of his spare cars when I had my car in the shop when I was in my 20′s. My dad pays for my half-sisters college. I’m still paying off my student loans from 20 years ago. It’s as if he completely wrote off my mom and his first sons (I have a brother who goes through much of the same issues) after he remarried and had his new family in place.
It also doesn’t help that I really dislike his new wife. She’s the kind of person that everybody know one like this. She knows everything about any subject you can bring up. She’s the person you’ve never heard laugh. She’s the person who always has something negative to say. She’s the one who never really left high school and still thinks those were the best days of her life. She lives vicariously through her daughter, who has unfortunately shown over time to become more and more like her mother which in turn makes me like her less and less. I used to put up with her so I could visit my dad, but then I came to the realization that my life is too short to be around cancerous people just to see people who really aren’t into maintaining a relationship in the first place.
It also didn’t help that not long ago, my father “found Jesus”, not that I was aware he was lost. I’m not anti-Christian by any sense, but I am anti you’re-way-is-wrong-you’re-going-to-hell-if-you-aren’t-Christian. When I told my father that I was going to start studying Buddhism, his exact words to me were “Son, you know only one man ever came back from the dead”. Way to be supportive. My wife, Amyda, who is about to become a certified EMT said that’s a crock because she’s watched 3 people in one shift come back from the dead. Yes, that’s just one reason why I love her! So fast-forward 3 years and I am now a fully ordained Buddhist monk and I can only imagine what he thinks of me now.
I wrestled with this decision for some time, but given the state of the relationship, the unhealthy one-sided maintenance of it, the cancerous wife, the intolerance of my spiritual path, the realization that my time is short on this planet and wasting it by putting efforts into being with people who clearly aren’t into being with me, and the straw that broke the camel’s back about being non-existent in my daughter’s life, I have chosen to withdraw myself from my relationship with my father. So much so that he, his wife and my half-sister are on my blacklist on my phone.
My daughter asked me if she should invite her grandfather to her college graduation and ensuing party. I asked her why she needed to make that decision. She said she wanted to make sure she had done everything she could do to not be at fault for not having a relationship with him. I asked her if that were a reasonable expectation to place on a child. She pondered that and did the right thing. He was not invited. Some say you never abandon family, but I say when family has abandoned you, they lose that excuse.
So for those of you who have excellent relationships with your children as I do, I say relish in that specialness that you have and have a wonderful fathers day. If you are unfortunate and do not have a relationship with your father, be it due to death of the physical form or death of the relationship, try to remember that while unfortunate, you can still honor the day by wishing your father a happy fathers day. If he is deceased as Amyda’s father is, hold a special ceremony recognizing how your life is and continues to be impacted by their life as we did today. If alive, you can wish that perhaps one day, your father may come to his senses and make the change that has to happen to have a relationship with you again.
Happy fathers day dad, I hope someday you realize what you need to do to change. I’ll be here when that happens and you can get to me through your granddaughter.
Peace,
Bubbha
