I’m sitting here on my couch, wide awake, at 3am. I’ve been here before. Insomnia and I are old friends. It used to make me crazy, especially when I worked a 9-5 desk job. I could never accept the fact that this is just who I am. I would toss and turn, angry and frustrated that I wasn’t like everyone else. I would stare at the ceiling and ask no one in particular, “WHY can’t I fall asleep like a normal person!?” There were nights when I would actually lie in bed with tears streaming down my face because I was still awake.
Last November I took my Jeep to the gas station to fill up the tank. I put in the nozzle, pulled the handle and waited for the click that lets me know that the tank is full. The pump clicked, I pulled out the nozzle and gas gushed out of the tank spilling all over my hands and the side of my Jeep. I thought I had done something wrong until it happened again a couple of weeks later. It was around this time that we received a letter from Chrysler about the problem. In it, they explained that they knew about the problem and were offering a lifetime warranty on the part. In other words, if you’ve got the problem bring your Jeep to a dealer and we’ll fix it for free. Good deal, right? Not so much…
I have a wonderful daughter. She is thoughtful, intelligent, loving, sarcastic, and all around good person. As is customary, she called me today to wish me a happy fathers day. She even waited until later in the morning knowing that her old man likes to sleep in. I couldn’t be prouder to have her as my daughter and it gives me great joy that we have such a wonderful relationship. This is the part of fathers day that I really love. It’s a day that I know I will hear from her and it’s a day that I reflect on how our relationship has evolved over the years as she has grown from a shy little girl to an outspoken, independent college graduate.
People spend a lot of time thinking about the future. We think about everything from what we’re going to have for dinner to what our career path will be. Sometimes those thoughts are very specific. We imagine how we will feel, how we will act, and what our lives will be like if that future becomes a reality. One part of the future that few people think about is the death of someone they love. We never stop and think about what our life will be like when someone close to you is no longer around.
It has been four months since my father died. Tomorrow afternoon a US Coast Guard boat will take my step-mother and I out to sea where my father’s ashes will be scattered. I really wanted to write more tonight. I’ve got a million thoughts running through my head. I have been through so many changes since my dad died, however, as I sit before my computer screen it’s clear that I am not yet ready to say what’s on my mind.
